Are You Too Hard on Yourself?
Some people make mistakes and laugh them off. Then they forget about them.
When I make a mistake, I replay it on loop in my mind. I don’t forget mistakes: I memorize them. Sure, I don’t hold on to them forever. It’s more like I hold on to them like I hold on to important tax-related papers—at least three to seven years, in case I need to reference them.
What do people who aren’t self-critical do with all their spare brain space and emotional energy? While the rest of us are replaying our mistakes, are they creating apps, cooking from scratch, and learning Italian?
Of course, with age and life experience, it gets easier to accept that we are flawed and just learn to let stuff go. But it takes practice. Even whip-smart women have a hard time learning it—because the struggle often begins at an early age.
When my niece was 10 years old, she received an evaluation at school stating that she needed to learn to “normalize mistakes.” The report said she is “a perfectionist who will start over if she’s not happy with her work. As such, homework takes a really long time.” And by “a really long time,” they meant hours—hours of writing and rewriting to make homework not just good, not just great, but perfect.
As a result, her fourth grade teacher finally created a personalized “homework contract” for her. That document was signed by more people than a contract to buy a house. My niece, her mother, her father, her teacher, and the school guidance counselor—all these authority figures in her life came together to ask her to promise in writing that she wouldn’t be so hard on herself and that she would not spend more than 50 minutes a day on her homework.
A little girl with a big inner critic. The truth is, there are a lot of grown women who feel the same way—like a little girl with a big inner critic.
Making Peace with Yourself
When you beat yourself up because what you did wasn’t good enough, or because you feel fat, or you said something stupid, or because you had another What-was-I-thinking? moment, you know deep down that the self-criticism isn’t helping anything. It’s just sending you into a shame spiral.
Maybe the first step to being set free from your own cruel thoughts is to accept this truth:
When you constantly criticize yourself, you are being your own worst enemy.
And in the words of Jesus, you need to “love your enemy”… even when that enemy is you.
If you are your own worst enemy, you’re going to have to wave the white flag and get out of the fight against yourself. You need love, not more hatred. Really, how are you going to win a battle that is you against you?
When I say you have to show yourself some love, I’m not just talking about bubble baths and pedicures. Although (who are we kidding?), those might help. I’m talking about gently accepting that you aren’t perfect, and that’s OK. You are lovely and lovable nonetheless.
If you’re not sure how to unbury any love toward yourself, start with accepting the love for you that already exists. God says, “I love you with an everlasting love” (Jeremiah 31:3).
The next time you start going hard against yourself, try to make peace—not war—with yourself. It may sound difficult to do, but it’s easier than carrying the weight of self-criticism. Once you silence the gunshots and explosives you’ve been aiming at yourself, you might just hear a peaceful whisper telling you that you are loved and lovely, truly lovely, just as you are.