Why You Still Think About Your Ex (And What It Has to Do With God)

If you are one of the women who thinks a little too often about your ex-boyfriend, I need you to promise me two things:

First, you must not watch any Hallmark Channel movies. None. All of them make you think your ex is darling, perfectly darling. In the Hallmark world, he’s single and living in a quaint small town, driving a pickup truck and making handcrafted furniture…and he’s hoping to bump into you at the local cupcakery, because, obviously, you’re the one he always loved.

Second, if you are thinking about your ex too often, you must not listen to Adele. She will make you wish you had photographed him in this light in case it is the last time. Or she’ll convince you it’s acceptable behavior to call him a thousand times.

Really, why are so many songs and stories about ex-love interests? Why do so many women long for old flames, who, in some cases, never even treated them well in the first place? I’m sure there are plenty of reasons: lack of closure, regret, selective memory.

But I have a theory. It’s simple really: I believe there’s a special place in our hearts for our first love. I’m talking about the first time you felt the thrill of being noticed, known, and adored.

According to this theory, maybe the reason you want to check your ex’s Instagram feed (again) isn’t simply boredom or curiosity. Maybe there’s something in you designed to hold on to the first love. It’s as if there’s a place in your heart for the person who awakened in you the joy of being loved.

It’s such a special place that God Himself longs to hold it. In the Bible, He says to believers who have lost their passion for Him: “I have this against you, that you have left your first love” (Revelation 2:4). In other words, God wanted to be their First Love—the One who made them feel special, the One they longed to be close to.

Some of us were fortunate enough to have had a parent or loved one who showed us a “you-are-the-apple-of-my-eye” kind of love early in life—so our memories of first being loved are grounded in family or God. But for many women, the first time they feel a deep sense of love that singles them out is when a guy notices them. As a result, that boyfriend who wakes them up to the feeling of being loved, he ends up holding an important place in their heart. 

If you have an ex you still daydream about, maybe you’ve burned away the bad memories—the fights, the incompatibility, the reasons you broke up. Maybe you just remember the handholding and the laughter. But, I suggest that maybe those memories are precious not simply because of who he was, but because of how you felt. Maybe the thing you’re longing for isn’t him, but the feeling of awakened love: the feeling of confidence, hopefulness, and beauty that comes with being treasured.

So if this theory holds up, there’s a better way to handle those overly romanticized memories of your ex. When you are tempted to find out what he’s doing or if he still thinks of you, take a second and get really still and quiet inside of yourself. Deep in your heart, are you really missing him? Or are you missing the feeling of being cherished, the thrill of being loved?

In those moments, instead of attaching all of those feelings to an ex, focus on the God of all love, the God who doesn’t see you as one of many, but as a one and only. Don’t just know in your mind that He loves you, feel it in your heart. Let those first-love memories serve as a reminder of a God who is madly in love with you, a God who longs to be the One who comes to mind when you think about the joy of loving and being loved. 

Sure, it’s just a theory, but it beats stalking—I mean checking—your ex’s Facebook page every week.